South Africa

In a country far, far away there was a group of people who desperately needed to be touched by a bit of celebrity. All week long these folks would slave away at their jobs, every few minutes checking the clock to see how much longer they had to wait to read about their hero -- she, the provider of all things cool and hip. Eventually Sunday would arrive and our group of desperates would rush off to the closest Cafe and, with shaking hands, would purchase their fix, The Sunday Times. And along with it, Queen Gwen.

Or, not!

See I have yet to meet anyone who has actually read Queen Gwen and I always just thought her part of the paper was provided by the Times as Braai starting paper. I mean who in their right mind would want to read what our local so called "celebrities" and their random hangers on ate for lunch on Tuesday with Queen Gwen. Then again don't take my word for it, here's Gwen in her own words :

I HAVE been living it up in some of Cape Town’s finest hotels recently and in between parties I started putting together a list of likes and dislikes about hotel rooms. My absolute worst – because I always read myself to sleep – are bedside lamps that you have to get out of bed to switch off. I decide I’m drowsy, reach out (or get out) to put the light off and, boom, I’m wide awake again. Mount Nelson, please put on longer cables!

Another baddie is the poor scheduling of room cleaning. You get up and go to breakfast, taking off the "do not disturb" sign on the door. Forty-five minutes later you’re back, perhaps, as I usually was, ready to do some work in the room, and the place is still looking like a whirlwind hit it.

Who the hell is this woman! If you can read a bit further without getting the urge to head to the garage to fix a hosepipe to your car exhaust, here's another :

If my column seems a tad Jo’burg-centric this week, that’s because it is. I haven’t been out of Gauteng for six weeks and Jozi-cabin fever is settling in. Apart from parties that I’ll be writing about in this Sunday’s newspaper, eating out with friends, or at least close acquaintances, has been the story of my life this week.

First, though, are you following Idols? I’m not a reality TV girl (am I the only person in the world never to have watched a Survivor programme?), but I do love my Idols.

Yes, that sound you heard was Someamoungus' head banging against the closest wall. Now I think I will head out to start the braai with my latest piece of firestarting paper...seeya.